Hello fellow lovelies out there!
I wanted to talk a bit today about how difficult it can be to balance mixed feelings. Not to assume, but I can imagine most of us have felt multiple things at once before, be it about an event, a time in our past, a person we know, or even just holding on to hope in a hopeless situation. I want to preface this whole post by saying this: It's more than okay to only hold ill-thoughts or feelings about things, it's about where you place that energy that guides you forward. After all, isn't it such a grand experience to be able to feel sad or mad about something and be able to say that we own that, that we feel that as a human. Knowing we can feel so deeply about something is remarkable in of itself, and I think it's something to be cherished so long as you can stay healthy while holding it.
Emotions work a little like water temperature, don't they? Too cold and we stay frozen in our thoughts, pacing back and forth without end or regard for anything outside of ourselves. Too hot and our emotions become so volatile that they have long-lasting impacts on us and our lives; even joy can be too much to handle at times (mania, anyone?). Finding that equilibrium is far from easy even in the best of times, at least that used to be my experience. I've found that the more sensitive I am, the harder it is to control my emotions and what I do with them. By refusing to hold a space within myself to process feelings I restrict myself from knowing what they are when they happen and hamper my ability to react in a way I won't regret.
What happens, though, when we can communicate and regulate our emotions well and still hold mixed feelings for others? That's what I want to dive into today:
The Divide
Full-truth: I used to have a history in black and white thinking; I would see others as fully good or bad. I struggled for years because I would get into this headspace where I would think people would have my best interests at heart, only to be heartbroken or disappointed, at which point I would write someone off. It didn't serve me well, and I suffered for years because of it. It came from me safeguarding myself by not fully opening up, that is to say, I wasn't emotionally available. Because I was hypersensitive, I became either a ball of fire or an ice queen. It took every ounce of energy I had to hold myself in the center, which is where I would run into trouble. By refusing to feel everything openly all-of-the-time and process things as they came, my emotions would crank up to levels that would scare people I knew and loved. But when I finally learned how to recognize and honor my feelings and work with them, I began to have a new problem.
When I would have difficulties with others, I would begin to see them as a culmination of different influences. There's a really great Doctor Who episode where they visit Vincent Van Gogh (my favorite artist, by the way, well, Klimt is top contender, but we're off-topic here!) and the Doctor talks about how they left him. He says that every person isn't on this scale of good to bad, we each have these different piles that others leave their mark on, some of those help us and some of those hurt us. I began seeing people as these mixtures of their past lives, experiences that they and their ancestors held onto in order to survive and keep going in life. When I saw people through this lens, it became so much easier to understand who they were, what they wanted, and what simple gifts I could leave them with to add to their good pile. I'm not always so great at that, but every day I try to see people as a collage instead of a picture.
Sometimes, however, I feel divided. I can't fully make sense of someone because of all the hurtful things they've done or said or I can't understand why something happened because it devastated me in some ways but made me smarter and wiser and more resilient in others. In these instances it can be nearly impossible to contend with the fact that there is an upside, I know I certainly don't always want to see it. But then I think about how incredible it is to not know, because then I have a chance to learn. A chance to grow, to flourish, to become something better than the sum of my piles.
If you're reading this right now and you're in a really dark space and you don't know which way is up, I'd invite you to breathe. Sometimes the dark is where we need to be. However, the dark eventually needs the light. It needs it so that it may take form, so it may become a shadow that can follow us and watch us and live our lives alongside us. The light needs the dark, as well. It's not easy being a guide to others, and too much light can be overwhelming or blinding. It's by holding both that we see the best path for us.
Today, just know you have someone that thinks it incredibly special that you get to be human, that you get to feel and to love and to experience loss and pain. Because that's what makes you yourself, and I like you, even if there are things we don't fully agree about or there's been times where one or both of us have shared pain. Getting to be on this journey with you is an honor and I hope I'll remember it, all of it, for as long as I live. I hope you'll remember and appreciate it too.